Reckons of Crass Construction

Yesterday, I published a teaser for today's explanation of Sunday's "kick in the teeth," or basically ending the day feeling like a wrung out dishrag. That's quite a lot of temporal references for one sentence. I'm not sure I even understand.

Some of you may have returned to read this article because you're the type of person who enjoys juicy gossip, and/or can't stand suspense, and/or turns to the last page of a murder mystery after reading the first few pages. I'm fascinated by this quality of human nature, especially since it's shared by so many.

Have you ever started off a day full of hope and promise only to crawl back into bed feeling like a limp ineffectual dishrag? Better yet, a limp ineffectual dishrag that's been wrung out and reused so many times it's been tossed in the garbage? That pretty much describes my Sunday ... for many reasons which I don't care to recall.

But before I descend into the bowels of darkness, I'd like to dwell for a moment on what might have been.

As I awoke to a clear blue Sunday sky, birds were chirping, sunshine shined, and all appeared right with the world. I left the house silently cheering tolerable heat and humidity, actually looking forward to watering my garden. It was the first morning in quite a while I can remember not wanting to hose myself down. That in itself was reason to celebrate.

Old news and other oddities in the world of Internet retail. People are more likely to buy merchandise from happy avatars rather than sad.

Duh. Did we really need a research study to tell us that?

In a 2007 study involving an animated human face nicknamed "Baldi," an Ohio State University professor proved that people are more likely to buy products from happy digital characters than from those who "frowned" or appeared "sad."

Discounting other possible negative influences such as Baldi's cue ball head and eyebrows in the shape of mutant spermatozoa, Li Gong, assistant professor of communication, concluded "that digital characters might be better merchants if they act consistently happy, even if the products they're selling—such as novels—are heart-wrenchingly sad."

This waste of time and valuable resources also mentioned that participants had an overall lukewarm reaction to Baldi, meaning, regardless of robotic expression, people are more likely to purchase products from actual people over Sims.

I'm noticing that a lot of other mothers who might go out of their freakin minds if they didn't blog Mommy bloggers like to start off their week by writing a recap of their weekend activities -- what they did, who they saw, where they changed their kid's diaper, how much alcohol they consumed to get past a random in-law visit, that sort of thing.

All fine and good if you like looking at pictures of people you'll never meet, watching videos of places you don't want to visit, and reading mundane stories that go on ad nauseum divulging intimate details you couldn't give a flying fig about. I don't mean to be cruel, but honestly, how many readers are actually interested in little Johnny's trip to the barbershop or baby Megan's temper tantrum in the middle of a shopping mall?

Just a minute, Megan, while Mommy takes out her flip camera to record you outside of Chick-fil-A kicking on the floor and screaming at the top of your lungs. This baby is going right up on YouTube. A little louder now, brat, like you really mean it.

Who has time to wade through this blather?

More Barbie Pictures

Doll lovers heaved a collective "OMG!" when Christian Louboutin-shod Barbie made her widely anticipated debut on Net-A-Porter last Fall. The first of the limited edition series quickly sold out, only to reappear on eBay at slightly inflated prices.

Since then, "Dolly Forever" and "Cannes Film Festival" Barbie haven't created the same kind of frenzy. Actually, all three dolls can still be purchased at the original issue price and in some places for a slight discount. Hard to believe when considering the innovative ad campaign concocted to move these suckers.

More Images Like This

You try planning a BBQ on a holiday weekend. Yep, it's Memorial Day and yesterday, I had a rollicking good time at the grocery store. Not.

To honor the memory of America's fallen heroes, some heartfelt grocery store haikus:

Back in a corner
Watermelons turn into
Smelly rotten fruit

Where are the store clerks?
Endless long aisles look alike
Can't find the ketchup

My cart's squeaky wheel
Pleads for a grease infusion
Nails across blackboards

The crying baby
Ignores attempted soothing
Shut up already

Checkout line backed up
She took her time with my stuff
Brand new employee

Nerves shot, patience gone
Once again in longest line
I sure can pick 'em


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Knowing I'm not the only one with a screeching monkey on her back is small measure of comfort on an overcast Monday afternoon. Please, I can't be the only one having problems getting her act together.

This morning, I turned off the alarm at 7:30 a.m., woke up my 10th grader for school, reminded her to dress appropriately for the morning drizzle, and flung myself back to bed. The next time I regained consciousness, the clock's horrifying display read "10:30," though thankfully, a.m., not p.m. At first I thought our electricity might have died as a result of last night's thunderstorm, but no such luck. The entire morning was practically gone.

And here I had plans to send out resumes, make phone calls, check my email, and do a stint of friend networking. Not.